{"id":773,"date":"2014-07-30T18:29:29","date_gmt":"2014-07-30T18:29:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/medium.com\/p\/d4b174996f8e"},"modified":"2017-01-27T11:23:43","modified_gmt":"2017-01-27T19:23:43","slug":"letter-to-a-13-year-old-boy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/brendonconnelly.com\/blog\/letter-to-a-13-year-old-boy\/","title":{"rendered":"Letter to a 13 year old boy"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone\" src=\"\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/07\/13.png\" width=\"542\" height=\"542\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I can hardly believe you are thirteen years old. I remember how nervous I was to hold you for the first time when you were a baby, thirteen years ago\u2014you looked nervous too! And I remember when I turned thirteen and how I felt, and I wondered how my life would change now that I was a teenager.<\/p>\n<p>I know it\u2019s kind of weird (that\u2019s me!), but I asked a bunch of people what kind of advice they\u2019d give you, now that you\u2019re thirteen. I asked our family and our friends. You know some of them really well, and others you only kind of know. I guess when you read this years later, you probably won\u2019t remember who everyone is, so I made some notes to help with\u00a0that.<\/p>\n<p>I have some advice too, as usual. These days it feels like I don\u2019t see you as much as I\u2019d like, so I\u2019m writing down all the stuff I wish we could talk about together, and we will eventually, I guess. I should tell you first, though, that I\u2019m really proud of who you are and the adult you are becoming. I really admire your intelligence, and your sense of humor is a great indicator of that. I am constantly impressed by your athleticism because you make the hard stuff look easy (but practice still helps, right?). I am always in awe of how easily you make friends, and keep them. Did I already say I love your sense of humor? I love you so much, and I\u2019m so proud and happy to be the father of such a cool\u00a0son.<\/p>\n<p>Here are a few quotes that I really\u00a0like\u2026<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong><em>\u201cTo go fast, you need to be good. To be good, you need to go slow.\u201d (unknown) <\/em><\/strong>I like this quote because it\u2019s a reminder of how important it is to go slow and practice, and get better, so that when you really need to \u201cgo fast\u201d those skills will be available.<\/li>\n<li><strong><em>\u201cNothing in life matters quite as much as it does while you are thinking about it.\u201d (Daniel Kahneman) <\/em><\/strong>Kahneman is a psychologist, and this quote reminds me that the things I think are super important, or scary, or make me feel anxious, definitely aren\u2019t as big of a deal as they seem at that moment. And that has ALWAYS proven true when I look back at those thoughts a few days\u00a0later.<\/li>\n<li><strong><em>\u201cIf you think it\u2019s expensive to hire a professional, wait until you hire an amateur.\u201d (unknown) <\/em><\/strong>This one makes me chuckle, but it\u2019s true. Pros know what they\u2019re doing, and they know how to avoid the expensive mistakes that amateurs\u00a0make.<\/li>\n<li><strong><em>\u201cIn work, do what you enjoy; in family life, be completely present.\u201d (Tao Te Ching) <\/em><\/strong>The Tao Te Ching is a book, not a person. The text dates back to 400 years before Christ, and a lot of the advice in there is still relevant. Do what you love, and when you\u2019re with people, don\u2019t let your mind, eyes, or ears wander away from them\u2014be\u00a0present.<\/li>\n<li><strong><em>\u201cAttention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.\u201d (Simone Weil) <\/em><\/strong>Ms. Weil was a philosopher and an activist. This quote really cuts through the crap and names the truth. You can always get more money to give away, but your attention is very limited and valuable. Be aware of where you spend it, and also be aware of when others spend their attention on you. It\u2019s kind of another way of saying the same thing as the previous quote from the Tao Te\u00a0Ching.<\/li>\n<li><strong><em>\u201cStrong people are harder to kill than weak people, and more useful in general.\u201d (Mark Rippetoe) <\/em><\/strong>This one makes me laugh, but it\u2019s also true. Rippetoe is a strength coach from Texas, and he\u2019s funny and blunt. When you spend time getting stronger, you\u2019ll be a more useful person in the world. Not just physically, but mentally too because spending time under a heavy barbell forces you to learn about yourself.<\/li>\n<li><strong><em>\u201cBe kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.\u201d (Ian Maclaren) <\/em><\/strong>Being kind to other people costs nothing (other than patience), and what you get in return is more kindness. We rarely know what other folks are dealing with, so it\u2019s always a great policy to just be as kind as you can\u00a0manage.<\/li>\n<li><strong><em>\u201cBear and forbear.\u201d <\/em><\/strong>This is translated from the Latin phrase, <em>\u201cSustine et abstine.\u201d <\/em>and it basically means to handle the hardships that come your way, and that there\u2019s no need to add to other people\u2019s hardships, or whine about your own. This quote comes from a group of people known as\u00a0Stoics.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Speaking of Stoics, there was a guy named Marcus Aurelius who lived about 2,000 years ago. He was one of the emperors of Rome, and pretty much spent all his time at war. He had tens of thousands of soldiers under his command. Each night he wrote in his private journal, and surprisingly this journal has survived to this day. It\u2019s called \u201cMeditations\u201d, and it\u2019s his private notes to himself about how he did each day, and how he could do better. A LOT of people find this little book to be very valuable to them. There are other Stoics to read as well: Seneca and Epictetus top the\u00a0list.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a saying that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. For you, for a lot of years, three of those people were mom, me, and your little brother. As you get older, you\u2019ll make your own choices about who those five people are, and your choices will affect how other people see you, and the opportunities that become available to you. That\u2019s both unfair, and true. People will see who you spend time with, and they\u2019ll assume you are similar. Spend time with brilliant athlete-scholars, and you\u2019ll be seen as one, and treated accordingly. Spend your time with potheads, and you\u2019ll be seen as one, and treated accordingly.<\/p>\n<p>There are a few more things that I think are important for you to have heard sooner rather than later. A lot of this stuff seems like common sense, but you might be surprised by how uncommon \u201ccommon sense\u201d actually\u00a0is.<\/p>\n<h3><strong>Math and\u00a0science<\/strong><\/h3>\n<ul>\n<li>Science should be fun and interesting. Like Adam Savage said on Mythbusters, \u201cRemember kids, the only difference between screwing around and science is writing it\u00a0down.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Learn about the Pareto Principle, also called the 80\/20 rule. This basically means that just about anything can be split into 20% of something affecting 80% of something else. See if you can spot this happening with homework, or sports practice\u2026usually the first 10% and last 10% will take up 80% of your time and brainpower.<\/li>\n<li>Learn about what\u2019s called the \u201cbell curve\u201d, or \u201cnormal distribution\u201d. This is the idea that everything falls into a kind of pattern. Imagine all the 13 year olds in the world. A few are really tall, a few are really short. Most are pretty close to the same height. That\u2019s a normal distribution. Almost everything fits this pattern, and knowing this will help you get a better idea about whether things are awesome or\u00a0average.<\/li>\n<li>Learn to distinguish between causation and correlation, because this is a really common way that people get tricked into believing things that aren\u2019t true. Causation means there\u2019s a direct relationship between an action and a result: if you eat ice cream (cause), your mouth will get cold (effect). Correlation means things happen together, but there may not be causation involved: drownings increase at the same rate as ice cream sales (obviously selling more ice cream isn\u2019t the cause of more drownings, but in the summer both things increase).<\/li>\n<li>Learn about the scientific method, and practice on yourself with food, sleep, hydration, exercise, etc. Keep track of results by writing them down. The scientific method just means that you test theories by experimentation, and close observation. For instance, you might wonder if you pitch better with just 4 hours of sleep (that\u2019s called a \u201chypothesis\u201d). So you\u2019d experiment by observing your pitching performance after 4 hours of sleep, and comparing those results with your performance after 8 hours of sleep. The comparison is called \u201canalysis\u201d and helps you determine whether your hypothesis is\u00a0correct.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3><strong>Thinking and\u00a0talking<\/strong><\/h3>\n<ul>\n<li>Figure out how to be a critical thinker, and practice on adults. This might piss them off. Don\u2019t let that stop you (but don\u2019t be a dick about it). Critical thinking is a lot like the scientific method, because you\u2019re always evaluating statements against your own knowledge and experience to see whether there are flaws in the logic and reasoning.<\/li>\n<li>Learn to tell the difference between opinions and facts, especially when adults are talking. Everyone likes to pretend their opinions are facts. There\u2019s even a saying, \u201cYou are entitled to your own opinions. You are not entitled to your own facts.\u201d Adults make this worse on young people because they want young people to believe that everything that comes out of an adult\u2019s mouth is a fact. It\u2019s not. Use critical thinking to help tell the difference between an opinion and a fact. But don\u2019t be a dick about\u00a0it.<\/li>\n<li>Don\u2019t automatically trust authority; require evidence of one kind or another that the authority is worth your trust. Again, smile while you do this, and don\u2019t be a dick about\u00a0it.<\/li>\n<li>There are things called \u201clogical fallacies.\u201d These are basically tricks with words that people use to make you believe things. If you can learn to identify logical fallacies, people will think you are a warlock. There\u2019s a great list here: <a href=\"https:\/\/yourlogicalfallacyis.com\/\">https:\/\/yourlogicalfallacyis.com\/<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3><strong>Money<\/strong><\/h3>\n<ul>\n<li>Learn about compound interest, and how to make money work for you instead of you working for money. Compound interest is the idea that your money makes a little bit more money on interest. Say you put $100 in the bank and that becomes $110 because of interest. Now you\u2019re earning even MORE interest on $110, but you only put in\u00a0$100.<\/li>\n<li>Spend less than you earn. If you can learn to live on half of what you earn, and save the rest, you won\u2019t have to work for money for very long. Very few people have the discipline to do this, including me.<\/li>\n<li>If you have to choose between a poorly made thing that doesn\u2019t cost much, or a well made thing that costs more, buy the well made thing. This is more of an opinion than a fact, but I think the well made thing will last longer and you\u2019ll spend less time and money shopping for a replacement. Just remember that price isn\u2019t always an indicator of\u00a0quality.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3><strong>Human performance and psychology<\/strong><\/h3>\n<ul>\n<li>There is a phenomenon called a \u201cplateau\u201d. It means that when you practice doing something, you get better really fast at first, and then you stop getting better at it. This is normal. It\u2019s also frustrating, and that\u2019s normal too. If you think creatively about the situation you can usually break out of it and continue to make progress, but the new progress is usually slower than before. That\u2019s also\u00a0normal.<\/li>\n<li>Sometimes our minds get all wound up and we start feeling anxious and worried. If that happens, try to pay attention to just one specific thing. Usually that will calm down your\u00a0mind.<\/li>\n<li>When someone does or says something that really bothers or upsets you, it\u2019s easy to imagine that they are an awful or evil person, or that they are out to get you or something. That\u2019s almost always not the case. Usually the other person just has a different perspective, and they aren\u2019t intentionally trying to hurt you or make you mad. Figuring out their perspective really goes a long way to fixing the conflict.<\/li>\n<li>There are so many explanations for events, but usually the simplest explanation is the one that\u2019s closest to the truth. It\u2019s too easy to invent all kinds of scenarios in our heads, but most of those scenarios add in a bunch of junk that just isn\u2019t there. Incidentally, this is how a lot of conflict begins\u2014people make up flawed explanations for events, then assume it\u2019s the truth. Then they\u2019ll do\/say something to piss you off because their assumption is messed up. Keep an eye out for this, and don\u2019t fall into the same\u00a0trap.<\/li>\n<li>Perception is reality. That is, always assume other people see the world differently than you see the world. Always work hard (communicate, negotiate) to reduce the difference between your version and their\u00a0version.<\/li>\n<li>When you are looking at a pile of paperwork (homework, whatever) and feeling overwhelmed, start with the item on top. It can only be three things: trash, save for later, or an action to take right now. If it\u2019s trash, throw it away. If you can do it in 2 minutes or less, do it right now. If you need to save it for later, learn about the 43 folders system. This works with a lot of stuff, not just\u00a0paper.<\/li>\n<li>There are things called \u201ccognitive biases\u201d which are ways that human brains behave in order for us to try and make sense of the world. A lot of times these cognitive biases are basically our brains telling us lies because it doesn\u2019t know what else to do. If you can learn to identify these cognitive biases in yourself and others, people will think you are a warlock. There\u2019s more info about cognitive biases here: <a href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/List_of_cognitive_biases\">http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/List_of_cognitive_biases<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>This was a pretty quick note to write, but it was 46 years in the making. I am telling you all this stuff because it\u2019s what I wish someone had told me when I was your age. I wouldn\u2019t have understood all of it, but I would have picked away at it over time until I did understand, and it would\u2019ve saved me a lot of time. I really hope these words help you in some way, and that you\u2019re able to build on this and pass along something even better\u00a0someday.<\/p>\n<p>I guess I\u2019ve rambled enough here. I love\u00a0you.<\/p>\n<p>\u2014Dad<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/medium.com\/_\/stat?event=post.clientViewed&amp;referrerSource=full_rss&amp;postId=d4b174996f8e\" width=\"1\" height=\"1\" \/><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I can hardly believe you are thirteen years old. I remember how nervous I was to hold you for the first time when you were a baby, thirteen years ago\u2014you looked nervous too! And I remember when I turned thirteen and how I felt, and I wondered how my life would change now that I [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_seo_schema_type":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-773","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8ckgU-ct","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/brendonconnelly.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/773","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/brendonconnelly.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/brendonconnelly.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brendonconnelly.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brendonconnelly.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=773"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/brendonconnelly.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/773\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":821,"href":"https:\/\/brendonconnelly.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/773\/revisions\/821"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/brendonconnelly.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=773"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brendonconnelly.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=773"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brendonconnelly.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=773"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}